Deadweight Daddy

          I'm 38 years old with 10 half-siblings. My dad has 5 boys and 6 girls including me, ranging from 48-27 years of age. There are at least 9 nieces and nephews that I know of thanks to Facebook. Yes, Facebook and this is where my dilemma begins. I always knew of one sister and one brother growing up because my mom told me of them. I met one of my younger brothers in 1990 because we were attending the same school at the time. I was in the 8th grade and he was in the 5th grade. We didn't have a clue that we were related. My homeroom teacher asked me if I was related to this child because we had the same last name. I told the teacher that we weren't related. He was a unruly student too; I wasn't trying to hear this news. My teacher said " I think you should take a look into that". I laughed at him and left.
           God being God I started watching the child and noticed certain features he did have. I asked my best friend at the time to ask him who his dad was. She asked him and he said my dad's name. I  was in disbelief. I met the oldest brother in 1993 because we were attending the same high school. He was 17 years old and I was 15 years old. He was a junior and I was a sophomore. We both chose Drafting as our vocational class. This was the brother I always knew of, but he didn't have a clue who I was. I was conflicted whether to tell him or not. He was popular and I was a book worm; we were night and day.
            God being God again we came into the truth over a Six Flags trip we were about to have. We both joined FBLA and in return they were taking us to Six Flags. My teacher was writing out my receipt for the trip. My brother sounded out my name as he was writing it and then he asked me who my dad was. I said our dad's name and he was in tears and disbelief. I felt helpless. I didn't know how to comfort him. I'm 15 years old; I shouldn't be meeting siblings in school. This is my dad's responsibility right? He created me, I didn't create him. I did have a relationship with my dad until he married this woman. My oldest brother and I turned out to have a cool relationship and then we got distant in adulthood. He introduced me to one of my older sisters in 1993, I was  16 and she was 23 years old. She claims she doesn't remember this day, but I'll get to that later. Who forgets meeting a half-sister? He also introduced me to 3 little brothers and a younger sister. My dad had these 4 in his new marriage and the bad little boy I met first was the oldest of this little group.
             Our reunion went smoothly, but I didn't see them again until I was 17 years old. My dad didn't know I was working at this buffet and brought the kids with him. They asked him about me, and he's never denied me, yet they are all strangers to me, why? Some of our kids are close in age. My son went to high school with one of my nephews (his cousin) and they're strangers. Sometimes I wish I knew nothing, but unfortunately I do. I just tell my kids to keep it moving; to accept that we'll never know my dad's side.
            In 2011, I reached out one last time on Facebook. This is where that sister I met in 1993 claimed she didn't remember meeting me then. I guess I imagined dad's blue Cutlass Sierra too, or that Sade's "Kiss of Life" was playing on the radio and we were both fans of it. Yeah, it's all in my head. Here I was 34 years old still trying to know brothers and sisters; nieces and nephews, pathetic right?  I told the Lord that this would be the last time I reached out to them. This merry go round has to stop. I settled in my heart that when I turned 40 years old; nobody better come into my presence from his side of the family. It's a weary situation at times and I can't afford to carry around the negativity. I wish my dad and siblings well, but they're all deadweight. I just think it's abnormal to have that many siblings and everyone claim they know God, but we're this distant. I hate my kids have a negative outlook when it comes to family. I feel responsible for that sometimes, yet it's not my fault either, is it? I hate when people say "ain't nothing like family" it means nothing to me and it should, right?


Pressing on to
                                                 Another Day Forward
                                                                                                            Until Next Time....